It’s getting to be that time again. Evergreen trees, red bulbs, and nonstop “Santa Baby” repeats on the radio. Yes folks, it’s about to be Christmas time. Or as these liberals would want us to call it, “the Holiday Season.” Ugh.
Fox News, particularly the principled Sean Hannity and the always right Bill O’Reilly, has valiantly covered the story that the establishment doesn’t want you to know about – the War on Christmas. Now some of these so-called “experts” or “scientists” from the liberal media will explain with “facts” on how there is no such thing. But make no mistake about it folks, there is a war against Christmas. It’s been raging on since the 20th century and it’s finally going to arrive faster than you can say “ho ho ho.”
I’m going to tell you all the secret history that they (?) don’t want us to know. They (??) would have you all in the dark about how this war started and what it means for real Americans like Joe and Jane from Indiana. THEY (???) would have us be “polite” and “considerate” about acknowledging other so-called “holidays” and “customs” while they (????) work to burn every Christmas tree and rob your kid of every toy they misbehaved themselves for. Well doggone it, I’ve had it with this monkey fighting lie on this Monday to Friday media cycle! I’m going to tell all y’all the TRUTH (Ruth) on how this war on Christmas started. If I end up dead, don’t let the media tell you it’s a coincidence. It was because I knew too much.
It all started in the 1920s when Coca-Cola put our beloved Santa Claus on its advertisements. Coca-Cola recognized Santa Claus’s worth, his invaluable dedication to making sure every good kid got a toy and every bad kid got a lump of coal.
But with every success, come the haters. You had Kris Kringle’s brother, Lucious, hating on Santa’s shine. He was mad because Santa was bringing in (cookie) dough, riding on a chrome sleigh, and having a big I’m-eating-good-type belly. Meanwhile, Lucious’ hating ass was working a crappy 9 to 5 job loading boxes while looking thinner than Lin-Manuel Miranda’s current chances of going broke.
Never mind that Santa worked hard for his innate magical abilities. Never mind that Kris inherited his daddy’s workshop in the North Pole. Never mind that St. Nick gave his baby bro some literal cheddar on the side to keep him from starving.
But nah. Nothing was every good enough for Lucious. He wanted it all. So he went to the South Pole and made his own workshop. But instead of creating toys for girls and boys, Lucious and his gang were building an army of Nutcrackers. They were human-sized automatons who were more wooden than Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room. They were elite killing machines with no empathy for anything related to Christmas. Lucious looked on his enslaved elves built these mechanical monsters. With a cigarette in one hand and Hennessy Eggnog cocktail in the other, he uttered his own personal catchphrase, “Wo Wo Wo.”
Wo Wo Wo – slang for “War War War.”
It was 1929, a year that was quiet and uneventful for humanity. Santa did his normal routine. He made his lists. Checked them twice. Went to find out who was naughty and nice. Low and behold, he saw a familiar name – Lucious Kringle.
“HO HO HO!” He shouted in disbelief. It had to be some other Lucious Kringle that wasn’t his baby bro. Not the same Lucious who he stole food off the plate when they were kids. Not the same Lucious who reared the reindeer all by himself while Santa took all the credit. Not the same Lucious of whose girl he took and called her Mrs. Claus. Nah. Lucious was always good. It had to be a mistake! So he checked it three more times, the first time he’s done such a thing, to make sure it was right.
“Honey!” He yelled from his office. Mrs. Claus went to her beloved husband for over 500 years. She could see that he had a worried look on that rosy red cheeked face of his. “My brother is on the list! This has to be a mistake!”
With a sigh of regret, she said. “No dear. Lists like these are never wrong or prone to any error. If you end up on any naughty list from anywhere at any time, you’re a bad person.”
“NO NO NO!” He yelled. He could feel his stomach twisting into a hundred knots. It was most likely due to the constant sugar heavy diet of cookies and milk. But it was also the result of recognizing the reality that his brother Lucious was naughty. The first in Kringle family history.
But Santa wasn’t given time to grieve or a chance to reach out to his brother to amend his ways. No. One of the elves ran up to Claus. With his high-pitched squeaky voice, he said, “Boss! We got incoming!”
Santa got out of his seat, moved all 400 pounds of girth, just to run over to see the commotion. He peered outside his window and saw over 300 man-sized nutcrackers waiting outside with rifles in their hands.
“WO WO WO!” A voice bellowed from above. It was Lucious, who road on his magical penguin driven sleigh! “DEATH TO CHRISTMAS!”
The nutcrackers unleaded their full arsenal upon the workshop. Chocolate chip bullets blasted through those gummy red walls and burst down the snowy white double doors. Mr. Claus and his wife bravely escaped by the hairs of his beard while riding on his red sleigh.
Many of his elves weren’t so lucky. The elves were taken as prisoners and held in the South Pole. They were to do as they always did, work as craftsmen except they constructed Lucious’ nutcrackers. Their working conditions were different under Santa’s brother. They were given manageable work week, paid parental leave, and company health care coverage. They were practically slaves.
However, Lucious underestimated his brother and the amount of capital he acquired from hundreds of years of toy building. Within no time, Kris regrouped and built a new factory just in time for Christmas. No boys or girls were without want in the year of 1929 thanks to jolly old St. Nick.
But Santa had something for the naughty Lucious and it wasn’t coal. He created an army of man-sized gingerbread men that were capable of being both delicious snacks and killing machines at the same time. He had to temper himself to make sure that he didn’t eat his army before they saw an ounce of battle. But Santa showed incredible restraint worthy of anyone’s admiration and only ate a tenth of them.
With the army underway, the two met in battle near Canada. Bombs made of jelly beans and acid whip cream painted the battlefield. Entire legions of nutcrackers and gingerbread men gave their lives far away from humanity to see. It was a tragedy.
Santa and Lucious spent the next few decades of developing terrible weapons with a combination of magic and superscience. Both sides saw the creation of vicious gummy man-sized bears, snowmen drones, and mutant reindeer with red noses that shoot lasers. Yet, despite all of Lucious’ efforts, Kris always made his annual delivery of toys. He could never break the cycle.
Knowing that he was not gaining ground, Lucious decided to wage another battle that could surely turn the tide in his favor. But this battle wouldn’t be fought at either pole, but in the real world – the United States.
You ever wonder why some folks are so willing to say “Happy Holidays” instead of Merry Christmas? Well, the devil is in the details. Happy Holidays is the name of Lucious’ covert operation of which he started in the 1960s.
I talked to an elf over Twitter, the most reliable news source in America, who saw the operation first hand. He requested I keep him anonymous for he still fears for his safety. He saw an elf named Geefee the Gentle be devoured by Lucious’ savage gummy bears when he whistle-blowed about the work conditions of penguins.
“It all started in the 1960s.” He said. “One of the elder elves told [Lucious] about how his son-in-law was throwing a Hannukah party and that he needed a vacation day. The boss never heard of Hannukah before. So he asked about it and found out that it was a holiday that took place right before Christmas.”
He continued on to say, “That’s when the boss found out that there were other holidays around the same time. There was Pancha Ganapati, which ended on Christmas. And when the Blacks created Kwanzaa, it became a game changer. Lucious then looked to me and whispered, ‘Happy Holidays.'”
From then on, Lucious created the idea of using “happy holidays” as a greeting. He would venture up with businessmen and politicians to try and ram this propaganda down our collective throats. No more “Merry Christmas” from Macy’s. Now, we red-blooded Americans had to deal with fake holidays like Yawnikah and Koo Koo Kwanzaa.
Santa’s toy sales started to see a sharp decline. “Experts” claim it’s a result of him never existing, but that’s nonsense. It’s because oversensitive liberal commies do their hardest to take Christmas away from us. In fact, the first year of happy holiday greetings led to the burning of Christmas trees and massive amounts of mistletoe poisoning! They even took the CHRIST out of Christmas and call it X-Mas! Crazy!
Who are these human collaborators trying to destroy Christmas? Well, my sources have discovered a paper trail that leads to three people in particular – George Soros, Bernie Sanders, and Howard Schultz. You know what all three of these men have in common? They all hate Christmas. Soros has been funding anti-Christmas terrorist groups for years. Bernie Sanders once tweeted “Happy Hannukah” for reasons that are still unknown. And Howard Schultz did the worst thing possible – paint Starbucks cups red for the season without the beloved words “Merry Christmas.” Starbucks can offer the “red and green are Christmas colors” excuse, but we know exactly why they got a plain red cup. These capitalists want a red state, comrade.
Of course, these three elites have help from their useful idiots on the bottom. Before God killed him, Christopher Hitchens, who shares a few letters in his name with Soros, wrote why Christmas was a “moral and aesthetic nightmare.” Prominent atheists (Satanists) still cite his article in their tweets – godless bastards. They used to have guys on TV like Jon Stewart (Leibowitz) lampoon warriors like Bill O’Reilly for his truth telling. Hell, Soros and Schultz still fund online sellouts like Kyle Kulinski to dismiss the war as a conservative hoax. What do they give Kyle in return? Three words: Pumpkin. Spiced. Lattes.
So to all these anti-Christmas warriors who are doing their best to obliterate our cherished American holiday I say “No! No! No!” I also call us to remember these two words – words liberals won’t say – Merry. Christmas. Keep saying it until Lucious Kringle and all his disciples lose their damn minds. We can’t afford to lose this war to these infidels! We have to Make Christmas Merry Again!